Priorities
by dazai-san
Summary: Obito goes back in time—as a ghost. His priorities (in this order) are: annoy Kakashi, annoy the hell out of Kakashi, piss Kakashi off, and warn his team about the future. See? His priorities are definitely straight. (Hilarity ensues.) [Now with a sequel-goddammit you guys!]
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Priorities

 **Summary:** Obito goes back in time—as a ghost. His priorities (in this order) are: annoy Kakashi, annoy the hell out of Kakashi, piss Kakashi off, and warn his team about the future. See? His priorities are definitely straight. (Hilarity ensues.)

.

"Uh, good morning?"

" _Oh fuck who the hell are you?_ " Kakashi shrieks, his arms pin-wheeling uselessly as he falls out of his bed out of pure shock and terror.

Obito looks down at Kakashi with dismay and horror. He'd forgotten exactly how adorable his friend had been as a child. (Though he doubts either Kakashi would appreciate that comment.)

"It's nice to see you too, Kakashi," Obito grumbles.

"I _said_ , who the hell are you?"

"I'm Obito," Obito says, sounding mock hurt. "I can't believe you didn't recognize me, Kakashi."

"You—you are _not_ Obito! Obito is not an old man with wrinkles on only half his face!"

Now, Obito is genuinely offended. "Okay, kid-Kakashi, I am _not_ an old man; I'm only thirty-two! And these are _not_ wrinkles. They're _scars_."

" _Kid_ -Kakashi—I am _not_ a kid!"

"Of course you are," Obito huffs. "You're _eleven_."

"I'm a _chuunin_!"

"You're still a kid."

"I am _not_! I haven't been since I was _six_!"

"I wish older-Kakashi was here to see this," Obito says dreamily. "That would be amazing. Oh, and guess what?"

Scowling, Kakashi hesitantly asks, "What?"

"You're late," Obito says with a grin.

" _Oh shit!_ "

.

A rather harrowed looking Kakashi with a horrible case of bed hair runs as fast as he can to the training grounds while a smug Obito ghost floats along behind him, onlookers with mixed expressions of surprise, terror, and most of all confusion.

Kakashi stalks into the training grounds, an hour late and _pissed off_.

(To be fair though, Obito had been rather relentless in his pestering.)

"Bakashi! You're late!" crows mini-him gleefully. "Haha—wait, who are _you_?"

"Mini-Kakashi's new friend," Obito proclaims with a smirk.

"I _hate_ you."

Minato looks mildly confused. "Who are you?"

"I said, mini-Kakashi's new friend."

"He's the reason why I'm late," growls Kakashi. "I woke up to him saying _good morning_."

"Mini-Kakashi shrieked like a girl and fell out of the bed," Obito adds.

Mini-Obito bursts out laughing while Rin looks amused at Kakashi's bedhead. "But who are you?" Rin asks.

"I've answered this question twice."

Minato looks as though he wants to bash his face against the nearest surface. "Your name, perhaps? And how you became corporeal?"

"Oh!" Obito grins. "Tobi's a good boy."

Kakashi looks like he wants to murder somebody, preferably the ghost floating next to him.

"Uh, so your name is Tobi," Rin says slowly.

"But you said your name was—" protests Kakashi, but Obito steamrollers him.

"I am Madara Uchiha. Obey me." Mini-Obito and Rin cringe away in fear at his admittedly terrifying scowl.

"Last I checked, Madara Uchiha had both his eyes and didn't have half his face covered in scars," Minato corrects dryly. "And he was dead. Though, you _are_ a ghost."

"I _said_ , I thought your name was—"

Obito bounces back to a cheerful grin. "My therapist says I probably developed multiple personality disorder. But to be fair, my therapist doesn't have a license. Though he is pretty smart."

"So, ghosts have therapists?" Rin asks, curious.

"Well, he's actually my best friend."

"I thought your name was—" Kakashi complains.

"Oh, and Obito! Stay away from old men hooked to trees who save your life and try to convince you to become evil."

Mini-him gives him a funny look. "If you say so?"

"A dead giveaway is if they're named Madara Uchiha." Obito pauses. "I'm not actually Madara, if you haven't figured that out. He's dead."

"Yeah, we figured," Minato says drolly.

"No, I mean _dead_."

"And?"

"I thought your name was—"

"Hey, guess what my best friend's name is!"

"That was completely random," Rin tells him. "Is it… Katsu?"

"Starts with a Ka, but no."

"It had _better_ not be Kakashi," growls Kakashi mutinously.

"He got it right!" Obito cheers.

" _No way_. No way I'm your freaking _best friend_."

Obito turns his palms upwards nonchalantly. "Can't stop fate!" he singsongs. "Oh, and mini-Kakashi, what was your earlier question?"

"I _thought_ your name was _Obito_."

Utter silence.

"You got it right!" Obito shouts, throwing his arms into the air. "It _is_."

"Then Tobi is the most uncreative moniker ever," Kakashi informs him flatly.

"Older-Kakashi said the same thing! But I dare _you_ to face down a group of S-ranked missing nin when they ask you your name. Naturally, they became my minions." Obito attempts to make an evil laugh, and it sounds alright for about five seconds before he breaks off coughing.

"Obito," Minato says slowly.

"Yes?"

"You have problems."

"Thanks for noticing. Being isolated for about a year with no human contact save a greasy old man kind of does that to you. And because of him, I'm half vegetable."

Mini-Obito looks rather queasy.

"How are you half vegetable?" Rin inquires, genuinely curious. (What a medical nerd.)

"You don't want to know. Oh, and by the way, S-ranked missing nin are not good company. I lived under the same roof with nine of them and became the butt monkey to Deidara-senpai. He died, by the way."

"Do I want to know _how_?" Minato asks delicately.

"He went out with a huge _BANG_!" The last word, Obito actually shouts loudly. "He literally turned into a bomb the size of a mountain and exploded. Didn't even kill the guy he was fighting, though to be fair, he _was_ a lightning user."

Quickly, Obito checks the watch on his wrist. "Okay, I've only about three minutes. Any questions?"

"Why are you here," Kakashi says, sounding pained.

"To warn you about the future so that you, my best friend, don't become a puddle of angst, Rin doesn't end up becoming a jinchuriki, sensei doesn't end up selling his soul to the devil, and mini-me doesn't become a puddle of evilness and angst."

"Can you go away."

"In about two and a half minutes!"

"Can you do me a favor."

"Depends on what it is."

"Punch the guy who sent you here."

Obito grins. "Sure."

True to his word, two minutes later, ghost Obito poofs out of existence, and Kakashi collapses on the ground in relief.

Four minutes later, a silver-haired ghost takes his place. "Yo!"

.

 **a/n:** unrepentant crack.

I regret nothing

Please leave a review? I love them lmao


	2. Chapter 2

_You assholes asked for it._

.

"Yo!"

Little-Kakashi throws himself on the ground wailing, "NOOOO! IT'S A _CURSE_!"

Older-Kakashi frowns. "Now that's just offensive, kid-me."

"Be nice, Kakashi," Minato says automatically.

"IT'S A CURSEEEEE!"

"By the way, who asked Obito to punch me in the face? Because you're the reason why he's eating dirt right now."

This gets Little-Kakashi to cease his wailing. "You shoved his face in the dirt? _Good_."

"Hey!" Obito complains.

"If that was Obito, then you're Kakashi, right?" Rin asks, ever the sensible one. (Little-Kakashi doesn't count as sensible, being rather indisposed at the moment.)

"Yep," Older-Kakashi agrees quite cheerfully. "I bet Obito told you nothing of importance!"

"He—I—he—I—" Obito grimaces. " _He_ said that he became half-vegetable."

"Nothing of _importance_."

"Becoming partially plant isn't—"

"Anyways! Rin, if you hear lots and lots of birds chirping, _run like hell_. Obito, if you meet a man addicted to plant matter, _run like hell_. Well, if you can, that is," Older-Kakashi tags on as an afterthought.

"Birds…? Okay…"

"Older-me told me that already…"

"Mini-me, if you want to be an asshole, you have to be an asshole fabulously. You are not doing that right now."

Little-Kakashi glares pointedly at his older counterpart. "Did you call me an asshole?"

"Yes," Older-Kakashi agrees. "I'm an asshole too. Except I'm so wonderfully fantastic people excuse me for it. If you want to be an asshole, you also have to be a badass, so you can get away with it."

"What—I'm _totally_ badass!"

Older-Kakashi waves a hand flippantly. "Moving on… Minato-sensei, word of advice: when picking a godfather for your newborn son because both you and your wife are about to die, you do _not_ pick the mentally unstable permanently traumatized fourteen year old ANBU who also happens to be your student and is going to be flipping out over your death, nor do you pick the perverted sage who gallivants around the world denying his sexuality and chasing a man."

"I'm… certain it was the blood loss," Minato manages after a moment to digest Older-Kakashi's words.

"It'd better have been," sniffs Older-Kakashi. "Or else I'll never forgive you. Oh, and by the way, Obito, I forgot to tell you: _practice whatever the fuck you preach you little motherfucking hypocrite._ "

"W-what?" stammers the poor boy. "What did I do?"

"You _shove_ your nindo down _my_ throat right before you _quote unquote_ die, and when you're missing _the entire right half of your fucking body_ you _don't end up crying at all and I'm the one crying his ass off_. I end up living my entire life _traumatized_ and turning those _goddamned words into what was left of my life_."

Older-Kakashi glowers darkly at Obito. "Then, you little motherfucker, _come back to life_ , over _twenty_ years later, _on the opposite side of the battlefield_ , and _try to fucking kill me and my student._ And wa-la! You've permanently traumatized me! _A-fucking-gain!_ "

A few moments of pure silence later, Minato remarks, quite calmly, "That was rather informative. By the way, Kakashi, I think you need to go to a therapist. Or shove Obito's future counterpart into the dirt even more."

"The latter option sounds rather tempting," Older-Kakashi agrees. "Therapists are a no-no, but I think seeing how close to hell I can get Obito's face is pretty good therapy."

"But don't take it out on me!" Obito wails. " _I_ did nothing wrong! It was all my dickish future counterpart!"

"You're very much traumatized, future-me," Little-Kakashi says. "If you're saying words like _fabulousness_ and _gallivanting_ , then I believe you really need to make that therapist appointment. But don't forget to make Obito eat more dirt."

"Obito!" Rin exclaims at the same time. "Where did you learn words like _dickish?_ "

"From my mom. Where did _you_ learn it?"

"My mom."

Older-Kakashi looks exasperated. "I really, really want to go back to my time now, just so Obito can suffer."

"On your man-period much?" Rin suggests dryly, and all of them turn to give her shocked looks. " _What?_ "

"You're a thirteen year old girl, Rin! Wash your mouth!" (Minato.)

"Rin, you're terrifying." (Obito and Little-Kakashi.)

"Yes, very. How did you know?" (Older-Kakashi.)

" _Kakashi_!" Minato exclaims, exasperated. "Don't encourage her!"

"I will corrupt whoever I want."

"Do what you want to your students, just don't touch mine!"

"That's heartless, sensei, are you going to forsake your own son?"

" _What?_ " Minato screeches. "Who was the nutjob who gave you _my son_ as a student?!"

"The Sandaime, though _you_ were the nutjob who put Naruto under my care. As a son."

"It was the blood loss. I swear, it _has_ to be the blood loss."

"Would you rather have me as his adoptive parent or Jiraiya?" Older-Kakashi wonders aloud.

Minato looks terrified at the choices. "…you," he admits grudgingly.

"By the way! Jiraiya had Naruto for two years, all by himself!"

" _What?_ " Minato looks that close to tearing his hair out. "And nobody stopped him?"

"Well, Naruto _wanted_ to go, and he _did_ have an S-ranked criminal organization after him…"

"W—"

"They were after the tailed beasts, and you had the lovely idea to seal the Kyuubi into your one year old son. Parenting 101, Minato-sensei."

"It was the blood loss."

"That excuse only works the first time, sensei." Older-Kakashi pauses. "Is there anything you want me to say to your orange brat of a kid?"

"Orange?" Minato asks in disbelief.

"Well, you're blonde, and Kushina-san is redheaded, so…"

"Genetics don't work like that!" Minato wails.

"Actually, Minato-sensei, the hair color genes have incomplete dominance, so it kind of does," Rin pipes up helpfully.

"He just _wears_ orange, by the way," Older-Kakashi offers. "Otherwise he looks like a miniature version of you. Well, I guess I know what to say to Naruto now— _genetics don't work like that!_ "

"What?!" Minato yelps. "No! Don't tell my son I said that!"

"Do you just want to talk to him, or something?" Older-Kakashi wonders. "I guess I could—"

" _No,_ " Little-Kakashi and Obito shout at the same time.

"Just—go back, bury Obito alive, and keep your futuristic selves _away_ from me," Little-Kakashi hisses threateningly.

"What he said, except don't bury me alive!"

"I'm hurt," Older-Kakashi says dryly.

"I really don't want to see this future," sighs Rin, rubbing her forehead. "If you turned out this loopy, I shudder to think of the rest of us."

Older-Kakashi grins, and it's obvious, even under the mask. "Is that so… Well, I'd best be leaving!"

He disappears with a poof.

"HE'S GONE!" Little-Kakashi screams with joy. "HE'S GONE HE'S GONE HE'S GONE!"

A few moments later, Little-Kakashi then comes to a horrifying conclusion.

"There isn't going to be another one of those wackos, right?"

"Kakashi-kun, your futuristic insanity is showing," Obito snorts. "You used _wacko_."

"It's the blood loss."

" _You're not even bleeding!_ "

.

 **a/n:** God fucking dammit I gave in didn't I…

ENJOY. YOU'D BETTER, SINCE I JUST TYPED UP A SEQUEL TO A ONE-SHOT!

Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day.


End file.
